Oh, what a year…
Oh, what a year this was. 2022 was filled with lots of success, happiness, and growth. I am so grateful for my life and extremely proud of everything I have accomplished. This year was truly the best year I have had in the last 20ish years. I experienced lots of firsts and am able to end the year saying “I can’t believe I did all that.” When I was six years old I started self-harming and this is the first full year of me being self-harm free. I never thought I would be able to say that and what an amazing feeling it is to be able to.
As I reflect on this year all the positive things come to my mind (the house, the vacations, the traveling, the financial stability) but in reality, this year wasn’t easy. It was easier than most years but it was still hard. Buying a home was one of the most stressful things I have ever done. My obsession with buying a home turned into an obsession with never losing the home. My parents bought a condo when I was younger and they were unable to keep up with the payments so they lost it. That was a terrible time for us and it haunts me to this day. Traveling, although amazing, was exhausting and also very stressful. Moving in with my partner was beautiful and something I wanted for a long time but it also happened suddenly and a lot sooner than we expected. It was so hard to balance all these changes, these new responsibilities, new relationship structures, new worries, etc. I even had a panic attack one night because everything was a lot for me to handle. I have never had as much as I have right now and the enormous fear of losing it all consumes me sometimes.
In 2023, I don’t dream of huge life successes. I dream of peace. I hope to heal the traumas that continue to follow me. I’ve been so eager to get to a financially stable life but now that I am here I realize I haven’t truly been able to enjoy it because I’m so scared that this won’t last. I hope that this next year I learn how to take a step back, stop worrying about the potential disasters that can happen, and learn to enjoy this new life. I want my priority for this year to be my health. I think I have neglected my mental and physical health a lot these past 5+ years because I wanted more than anything to own a home and be financially stable. I sacrificed a lot for this and I think it’s time to stop sacrificing and start living. I know it won’t be easy but I know it’s possible.
So 2022, thank you so much for giving me the best year ever. 2023 I hope that you are even better <3
Thank you 2022!
